Such Love

Such Love, My little grandson Dante.... Another kit from my group on DT before they closed by a friend Anita. I really miss her kits. She is ill right now. I hope your better by now Anita.


Hello,
 It is Tuesday morning. Almost 2:00 a.m. and I cannot sleep so I did this scrap page of my little grandson Dante. He looks so much like his mama in this photo. He has her facial expressions and her curls. Funny but she grew up without curls. They found her when she was pregnant with Adrian. 
 I reached out to her again today. This time the message was Laurie please reach out to me. I need you....
 I don't want anything but to hear her voice. My heart breaks each day without hearing her voice or seeing a few pictures of her and the kids. I don't understand how or why she just cut me and her brothers and sister out of her life. 
 She knows how important she is to me and how much I love her and the kids. This just rips my heart in two.
 But she knows how much it is hurting me and I guess that is the point to not speaking to me.

 I don't usually post private family matters here but since no one reads my blog other than Miss Edna I guess it doesn't matter if I put any private matters on here or not.

 I try to stay upbeat and positive but it has all just taken a toll on me. It has all been getting harder and harder on me for the last year. I try very hard not to let things get me down, but sometimes it just hits me and the harder I fight the feelings and emotions, the harder they hit me. So today I just let them flow over me. I didn't fight the tears. I didn't fight the hurt, I didn't fight the dark.

 It isn't just Laurie. It is a lot of things all rolled into one. My son Matthew is in a very dark place. I can't even help him. I try, his brothers and sister has tried and now he has to try. He is the only one that can turn this all around. But he has to want it more than we do.
 What can we say? What can we do? We have done all that we can to help him. Now it is up to him. 

 The day was cool. It was such a relief after all of these hot triple degree days. I have all kinds of mosquito repellant out but they are not helping these monsters. Not the plants or the candles or even the sprays, and I have this spider out there that gives me the creeps. I keep trying to find it but obviously he has hidden his or her home very well. I think that he/she is either hidden in the Ivy or Christmas Cactus. 

 We have more than one case of West Nile here in our county and a couple of cases of the Zika virus. The Zika virus is not here that I have heard, not in our county but in our state. 
 I really wanted to sit outside tonight but they were too bad so I just came back inside. 

 I am hoping to hear back from Housing this week. Karyn and I were going over my housing information and she discovered that they do not have me down for being disabled. So we sent another email and I hope to hear back from them and she also sent an email with the name and date of the last person she spoke with. 

 Karyn and I don't mind sharing an apartment and that is our plan but if I could get into housing that would be a lot better for both of us. There is also a lottery the middle of September that I would really love to win but I am not going to count my chickens or my eggs because I never win those things. It isn't money but housing. I would be very fortunate but I don't expect to win out over others. I never have so why should that change now? I can't even win at playing Bingo. 

 Today was kinda blah.... I needed to do some cleaning but I didn't. I needed to do a lot of things that I didn't do. I just don't have the energy to try and do anything really. 
 I did get the garbage out for tonight. A lot more can go out Wednesday. I may try and clean out the fridge tomorrow and get it ready for Wednesday. I usually do that on Wednesday morning so we will see. It needs to be done. I didn't do it last week and this week it is really showing. 

 I have phone calls to make tomorrow. One is very important that I should have made today and I completely forgot about it. I even had a reminder on my computer but I just turned it on tonight when Karyn and I were going over my application for housing tonight. It was for a doctors appointment tomorrow and now I am going to have to reschedule it.
 But I cannot miss the one for Wednesday. That one is very important. I may have waited to long to contact ride transportation tho. They have changed the rules. I use to be able to schedule a month in advance. I can no longer do that. 4 days is the earliest so now I seem to forget and that is not good. Jonathan is at a point at work that he cannot just take off and take me when I need to go. I am going to have to start being on top of things more now. I am getting tired of my own forgetfulness. 

 I am finally getting sleepy so I will close for now. Sorry this post has such a sad feeling to it, but I am sad so I will let it stand for now... Take care and have a great Tuesday.... BB