I took pictures of Damien last week. He was having coffee with NaNa.... Dirty face and messy hair. He is my sweetie pie.
Good Morning,
It is morning here for a couple more hours. I was going to earlier this morning but it was a busy morning for me.
I had a call from my doctor because Karyn needed to have her FMLA paperwork updated and she had given the paperwork to the doctor I seen last week to give to my doctor to fill out.
The nurse that called me said the paperwork was not in my file. I am glad that they let me know now instead of later.
It was such a shame to hear about Kobe Bryant and all of the people that died in the helicopter crash. I was so sorry to hear that sad news.
I think that the pilot knew that it was unsafe due to the fog. It makes me wonder why if Los Angeles had grounded air travel then why was the helicopter allowed to fly. Do they not have the same FFA rules?
I don't know if they do or not. Since helicopters don't fly as high as planes do they may not have the same guidelines.
Still it is sad and the children on board makes it even sadder.
Laurie had to take Nathan to work this morning and she said that she heard Jonathan up during the night and thinks that he was sick.
I hope that he feels better soon. He just came out of his room and said that his stomach is upset and that he has a sore throat. Ugh I hope that whatever is bothering him is not contagious. With a large household I know that it is always something that goes around.
Jonathan is like me and has a weak immune system. He works in a small office and has a large team and there are other business's in the same building. I am glad that he works at home 2 and a half days a week.
When Laurie and her family leave for California I will only have to be home alone one day a week. Jonathan said he would stay in close contact with me on Thursday's. I didn't tell him but I think that I will enjoy being home alone that day.
Update: Depression HURTS
Today is Wednesday. I didn't get a chance to get back to my blog on Monday so I am just going to start from there with an updated entry.
I am feeling depressed. I wish that I could just stop it before going into the deep darkness that I know is coming. I feel it more intensely today than I have in the past few days.
I need to vent just a little so if this post from here on out makes you feel depressed then please just skip it. I understand completely and I don't want to drag anyone into my despair.
Laurie and David and their family is going back to California where he has family to help them.
They make good money but trying to get on their feet here has just not been productive and in some ways has set them back. Especially David's medical. The VA here is a joke and they have to travel so far just for his appointments.
His medication is very expensive even with insurance.
Laurie has her own issues and no one can figure out what is wrong with her. Her legs swell and her feet and she hurts all the time.
They can't afford the tests and any medication that she might need. So they just try to push thru day by day and it is so hard on me to see my child in pain the way that she has been and trying to care for her children. She and David work together but it has been hard and of course I try to help as much as I can.
Watching them pack up has been so hard for me. I have to accept that they are leaving and inside I know that it is for the best but I am going to miss them so very much.
I am going to miss Dante and the way that he cuddles with me and the stories and games we play.
I am going to miss my stinker Damien. The way that he calls me Mommy and how he tries to help me with bringing my cane to me, the way that he makes sure that I have my glasses and my drink cup. The way that he says Peeease, the way that he shrugs his little shoulders with his arms out stretched when he says "Don't Know" and the cuddles and kisses. Just everything....
Cathy is growing up to be the most beautiful young lady. She is growing tall and her smile is just so sweet.
She loves learning. From sewing to cooking she has learned so very much.
I am really going to miss her. She is such a helper and is never one to not do a job that might be a bit dirty or difficult. She gives her help to others from her heart.
Adrian and I have a special relationship. He has grown so very much and he and I love Criminal Minds and documentary's.
Update: Depression HURTS
Today is Wednesday. I didn't get a chance to get back to my blog on Monday so I am just going to start from there with an updated entry.
I am feeling depressed. I wish that I could just stop it before going into the deep darkness that I know is coming. I feel it more intensely today than I have in the past few days.
I need to vent just a little so if this post from here on out makes you feel depressed then please just skip it. I understand completely and I don't want to drag anyone into my despair.
Laurie and David and their family is going back to California where he has family to help them.
They make good money but trying to get on their feet here has just not been productive and in some ways has set them back. Especially David's medical. The VA here is a joke and they have to travel so far just for his appointments.
His medication is very expensive even with insurance.
Laurie has her own issues and no one can figure out what is wrong with her. Her legs swell and her feet and she hurts all the time.
They can't afford the tests and any medication that she might need. So they just try to push thru day by day and it is so hard on me to see my child in pain the way that she has been and trying to care for her children. She and David work together but it has been hard and of course I try to help as much as I can.
Watching them pack up has been so hard for me. I have to accept that they are leaving and inside I know that it is for the best but I am going to miss them so very much.
I am going to miss Dante and the way that he cuddles with me and the stories and games we play.
I am going to miss my stinker Damien. The way that he calls me Mommy and how he tries to help me with bringing my cane to me, the way that he makes sure that I have my glasses and my drink cup. The way that he says Peeease, the way that he shrugs his little shoulders with his arms out stretched when he says "Don't Know" and the cuddles and kisses. Just everything....
Cathy is growing up to be the most beautiful young lady. She is growing tall and her smile is just so sweet.
She loves learning. From sewing to cooking she has learned so very much.
I am really going to miss her. She is such a helper and is never one to not do a job that might be a bit dirty or difficult. She gives her help to others from her heart.
Adrian and I have a special relationship. He has grown so very much and he and I love Criminal Minds and documentary's.
We watched a whole season of America's Book Of Secrets on Netflix and we had the most interesting conversations.
He wants to go to West Point and there was an episode that totally interested him.
I still have David's Marine uniform and he tried it on the other day. I could not believe how grown up and handsome he was and how it almost fit him to a perfect T.
So yeah I am sad to see them go but I have to find some happiness in knowing that they are going to do what is best for their family. Still it is going to hurt. Already hurts. I am sitting here with tears running down my face just thinking of all the things that I am going to miss with them not being here with me.
Yesterday I was almost pain free for several hours. It was mostly a good day. I worked really hard to try and make it a good day and until around 10:00pm it was mostly good.
I took a long shower and indulged in my favorite bath products and they went a long way into relaxing me and I was ready for bed. I just wanted to have a relaxing and restful sleep.
Jonathan, David and Nathan went out for some beers and conversation. I was just going to bed when they got home. They were gone just a couple of hours since it was a work day for Jonathan.
Foxy and Oliver are always bad at meal time. Oliver will eat all of his food and then go after Stormy or Fox's food and so I try and separate them and last night before my shower I knew that I wasn't going to be in the main house to referee them so I made Fox's food and water and I asked Adrian to put it in Nathan's room and take Foxy in there to eat.
I fed Oliver and of course he gulped all of his food down in a matter of minutes.
When I got out of the shower Foxy was crying to be let out of Nathan's room so I just opened the door and let her out.
When I asked Adrian to put her water and food in Nathan's room I didn't realize that he just set it inside the door.
When Nathan came in he knocked over the water bowl and he came to me and said he tripped over the water and it spilled. I immediately got up and said I would clean it up, that I was sorry that I had forgotten about it and from that point on, until nearly 1:00 in the morning he and Jonathan seemed to attack me verbally.
I wasn't considerate, I could have text him to warn him about the water and food bowl, why didn't I tell him when they arrived and it just went on and on and on.
I forgot... So shoot me!
Then Jonathan put his 2 cents worth in about how inconsiderate I was to just let the animals in the house and it isn't my job to feed and water the dogs or do anything for them.
I said in my defense... what do you want me to say? I have said I am sorry at least 50 damn times and I don't know how else to say it. What do you want me to do, just leave the dogs to go hungry and thirsty?
Their response was... Yeah that wouldn't bother me a bit. I was so angry. I had been as calm as possible up to that point. I let them know really fast that I had never let them go hungry and thirsty when they were babies and helpless and I damn sure wasn't going to do it to a helpless animal, I didn't give a crap if it was a snake I would leave food and water for it and all creatures.
By this time it was a shouting match. It didn't end there. I was accused of relying on Karyn all the time and that they didn't know what my schedule was because they wasn't informed. Excuse Me!!!!
Informed of What? Well this goes back to last Friday when I had to go to the dermatologist. Apparently the night before Karyn told Jonathan that she couldn't take off work to take me to the doctor that day and asked him if he could do it.
I don't know why they didn't just ask Laurie to take me if it was going to be a work problem. They sure as hell never discussed it with me.
Well apparently Jonathan took off and it put him 4 hours behind in his work day. I didn't know. I got up that morning, showered and dressed and I just said ok when Karyn said to me that morning that Jonathan was going to take me to my appointment.
Karyn had told me several weeks ago that she and Jonathan were going to switch out taking me to my appointments.
Jonathan accused me of never telling him when I have an appointment and was keeping him in the dark.
I was so upset. I pointed to the Calendar hanging on the wall and said that every appointment that I have for the month is right there on the calendar behind you. Karyn comes in and looks at my calendar and takes a picture of it so she knows and arranges for that time off. Why in the hell can't you look at my calendar like she does if you want to know what appointments I have?
Because apparently I am supposed to inform him.
I told them both that starting today I would not ask anyone of them to take me to the doctor and so I called my insurance and set up for the medical ride program.
When it runs out I will figure it out then but for now I have 4 months of rides to my doctor appointments. And Guess what???? That only pissed Jonathan off.
I don't mind taking you to the doctor blah blah blah.... he told me telling me that I don't see things from their point of view and my reply to that was FUCK your point of view. I am only concerned with my own right now and you can stop worrying that I will be bothering you for a ride to the fucking doctor or any other place I need to be.
I told them over and over and over that I didn't know what they wanted me to say. They had me so upset that I couldn't stop crying and I am surprised I didn't throw myself into a heart attack or something.
Laurie and David tried coming to my defense but they finally gave up and all of the hollering and shouting was bound to wake up the kids.
Adrian and Cathy were awake but the younger two were sleeping so I finally closed off and closed down. It was almost one in the morning when I heard Stormy wanting in and I let him in and walked out to the front yard just to try and calm down and Nathan followed me out there, started apologizing and then went right back to bitching me out.
I don't know when I finally fell asleep. But I haven't said 2 words to Jonathan and Nathan and I am pissed off at little Miss Karyn too.
She tells me something and she tells Jonathan something and Nathan something and Laurie something and come to find out it isn't no where near what she said to me. Not just one topic but several.
A few weeks ago Laurie asked me if she could borrow 200 dollars. I said yes. Well Karyn found out and so I ended up letting her have 200 dollars. She told Laurie that Mom loaned you 200 dollars but only loaned me a hundred dollars.
I will confront her about that and see if she lies to my face!
I swear I am done. I am keeping my mouth shut. I am not going to engage in any conversations with them. I will answer just a yes or no question and I will stay to myself.
This morning when they came into the kitchen I went outside. When one would come outside I would go into the house and to the bathroom to hide out if I had too.
I have said this before but this time I really mean it. I am just to the point that I cannot keep doing this. I just can't and this time they are going to see a big difference in me.
My depression is bad and getting worse. I keep finding myself crying and I can't stop. I think back to some of the things they said last night and I start crying again. I can't help it.
Laurie has been a comfort to me knowing that they were very wrong to do that to me and say the things that they said... screamed at me actually.
I am going to lay down for a little while. My head hurts and my heart hurts too... so I will close for now.. BB
He wants to go to West Point and there was an episode that totally interested him.
I still have David's Marine uniform and he tried it on the other day. I could not believe how grown up and handsome he was and how it almost fit him to a perfect T.
So yeah I am sad to see them go but I have to find some happiness in knowing that they are going to do what is best for their family. Still it is going to hurt. Already hurts. I am sitting here with tears running down my face just thinking of all the things that I am going to miss with them not being here with me.
Yesterday I was almost pain free for several hours. It was mostly a good day. I worked really hard to try and make it a good day and until around 10:00pm it was mostly good.
I took a long shower and indulged in my favorite bath products and they went a long way into relaxing me and I was ready for bed. I just wanted to have a relaxing and restful sleep.
Jonathan, David and Nathan went out for some beers and conversation. I was just going to bed when they got home. They were gone just a couple of hours since it was a work day for Jonathan.
Foxy and Oliver are always bad at meal time. Oliver will eat all of his food and then go after Stormy or Fox's food and so I try and separate them and last night before my shower I knew that I wasn't going to be in the main house to referee them so I made Fox's food and water and I asked Adrian to put it in Nathan's room and take Foxy in there to eat.
I fed Oliver and of course he gulped all of his food down in a matter of minutes.
When I got out of the shower Foxy was crying to be let out of Nathan's room so I just opened the door and let her out.
When I asked Adrian to put her water and food in Nathan's room I didn't realize that he just set it inside the door.
When Nathan came in he knocked over the water bowl and he came to me and said he tripped over the water and it spilled. I immediately got up and said I would clean it up, that I was sorry that I had forgotten about it and from that point on, until nearly 1:00 in the morning he and Jonathan seemed to attack me verbally.
I wasn't considerate, I could have text him to warn him about the water and food bowl, why didn't I tell him when they arrived and it just went on and on and on.
I forgot... So shoot me!
Then Jonathan put his 2 cents worth in about how inconsiderate I was to just let the animals in the house and it isn't my job to feed and water the dogs or do anything for them.
I said in my defense... what do you want me to say? I have said I am sorry at least 50 damn times and I don't know how else to say it. What do you want me to do, just leave the dogs to go hungry and thirsty?
Their response was... Yeah that wouldn't bother me a bit. I was so angry. I had been as calm as possible up to that point. I let them know really fast that I had never let them go hungry and thirsty when they were babies and helpless and I damn sure wasn't going to do it to a helpless animal, I didn't give a crap if it was a snake I would leave food and water for it and all creatures.
By this time it was a shouting match. It didn't end there. I was accused of relying on Karyn all the time and that they didn't know what my schedule was because they wasn't informed. Excuse Me!!!!
Informed of What? Well this goes back to last Friday when I had to go to the dermatologist. Apparently the night before Karyn told Jonathan that she couldn't take off work to take me to the doctor that day and asked him if he could do it.
I don't know why they didn't just ask Laurie to take me if it was going to be a work problem. They sure as hell never discussed it with me.
Well apparently Jonathan took off and it put him 4 hours behind in his work day. I didn't know. I got up that morning, showered and dressed and I just said ok when Karyn said to me that morning that Jonathan was going to take me to my appointment.
Karyn had told me several weeks ago that she and Jonathan were going to switch out taking me to my appointments.
Jonathan accused me of never telling him when I have an appointment and was keeping him in the dark.
I was so upset. I pointed to the Calendar hanging on the wall and said that every appointment that I have for the month is right there on the calendar behind you. Karyn comes in and looks at my calendar and takes a picture of it so she knows and arranges for that time off. Why in the hell can't you look at my calendar like she does if you want to know what appointments I have?
Because apparently I am supposed to inform him.
I told them both that starting today I would not ask anyone of them to take me to the doctor and so I called my insurance and set up for the medical ride program.
When it runs out I will figure it out then but for now I have 4 months of rides to my doctor appointments. And Guess what???? That only pissed Jonathan off.
I don't mind taking you to the doctor blah blah blah.... he told me telling me that I don't see things from their point of view and my reply to that was FUCK your point of view. I am only concerned with my own right now and you can stop worrying that I will be bothering you for a ride to the fucking doctor or any other place I need to be.
I told them over and over and over that I didn't know what they wanted me to say. They had me so upset that I couldn't stop crying and I am surprised I didn't throw myself into a heart attack or something.
Laurie and David tried coming to my defense but they finally gave up and all of the hollering and shouting was bound to wake up the kids.
Adrian and Cathy were awake but the younger two were sleeping so I finally closed off and closed down. It was almost one in the morning when I heard Stormy wanting in and I let him in and walked out to the front yard just to try and calm down and Nathan followed me out there, started apologizing and then went right back to bitching me out.
I don't know when I finally fell asleep. But I haven't said 2 words to Jonathan and Nathan and I am pissed off at little Miss Karyn too.
She tells me something and she tells Jonathan something and Nathan something and Laurie something and come to find out it isn't no where near what she said to me. Not just one topic but several.
A few weeks ago Laurie asked me if she could borrow 200 dollars. I said yes. Well Karyn found out and so I ended up letting her have 200 dollars. She told Laurie that Mom loaned you 200 dollars but only loaned me a hundred dollars.
I will confront her about that and see if she lies to my face!
I swear I am done. I am keeping my mouth shut. I am not going to engage in any conversations with them. I will answer just a yes or no question and I will stay to myself.
This morning when they came into the kitchen I went outside. When one would come outside I would go into the house and to the bathroom to hide out if I had too.
I have said this before but this time I really mean it. I am just to the point that I cannot keep doing this. I just can't and this time they are going to see a big difference in me.
My depression is bad and getting worse. I keep finding myself crying and I can't stop. I think back to some of the things they said last night and I start crying again. I can't help it.
Laurie has been a comfort to me knowing that they were very wrong to do that to me and say the things that they said... screamed at me actually.
I am going to lay down for a little while. My head hurts and my heart hurts too... so I will close for now.. BB
No comments called for. I just wish I were a bit closer so that I might be able to help you. I'll chat with you on the phone. Hang in there kiddo, hugs, Edna B.
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